Tired of Pretending
by darstar
Summary: Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. made a serious tactical error in his grand plan of "DiNozzo is Back, Baby!" By invoking the participation of another, he had set himself up for failure. Maybe that had been his plan all along; for he was, as sure as the day was long, tired of pretending. TIVA


_**A/N: This is a blurb on how I would like to see the season end. Well, I would actually love to see this well before the end of the season but I would take it in May. Pretty much sums up my feelings. BTW, I have not watched most of the episodes referenced. Everything I have is from reviews and comments by the masses, so some of this may not accurately reflect what happened on the small screen. Obviously, there are no reviews or comments regarding yet to be aired episodes, so I will be making up what happens, although there are one or two spoilers in this story from what has been put on the internet regarding casting news, so fair warning. Covers from when Ziva left to the present, and beyond.**_

"Tired of Pretending"

**May 2015**

Tony looked at his co-workers with a mixture of relief and gut-wrenching apprehension. What he was about to say would either reward him with cheers and hugs or a knuckle sandwich. Tony was hoping for the former, but regardless of the outcome he knew it would be tactile.

It had all finally come to a head, his ruse had been discovered; his great charade unmasked. There had been many moments over the past few months that his subterfuge has almost been discovered, but Tony was nothing if not the Master of all things denied. He had been pretending to himself for _years_; pretending to the others was second nature and as easy as doing a James Bond impression.

But Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. made a serious tactical error in his grand plan of _"DiNozzo is Back, Baby!"_ By invoking the participation of another, he had set himself up for failure. Maybe that had been his plan all along; for he was, as sure as the day was long, _tired of pretending_.

**Fall 2013**

Four days without sleep would take its toll on anyone, but not one Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. No sir, he would not bow to the God's of Truth, Justice and the American Way to admit that there was a very good reason he was not sleeping. _Insomnia thy name is Ziva._

Tony knew the minute he returned from Israel without his partner that the living hell that had been his life for the past six months or so was not about to go on hiatus. But he also knew that no one would really be interested in witnessing his meltdown and be party to the pitiful rubble that lay mocking at his feet.

Being pulled back into time to his gig in Baltimore had lent the perfect scenario for his inability to concentrate or make decisions or basically function as a human being. Other than his almost heart to heart with Gibbs, _she who must not be named_ was never on the radar. He congratulated himself on another job well done and wondered if there had ever been a time in his life when he wasn't pretending about something. Yes, it often went with the job, but it had permeated his pores that it now seemed to be an entrenched part of his very being.

"Hey, Boss, I'm dating a Tennis pro!" Tony threw the yellow ball at his Boss, hoping he would not scrutinize it too closely and realize how old and dilapidated it was. A tennis ball from a bygone liaison, one that Tony had absolutely no memory. In fact, since the woman's phone number was on the ball that had lost its bounce he seriously doubted that he ever even called the woman, much less hooked up with her. _"Lost its bounce": _that was an apt phrase for the Tony that had returned from Israel sans Ziva. He lost a lot more than that, but he shoved those thoughts aside. The team, especially Gibbs, had no time for the inner turmoil of Tony DiNozzo. And so, as always, he pretended that he was just peachy, ever the Playboy and heartbreaker of women since he was immune to such emotional trollop.

_He was tired of pretending._

**Christmas 2013**

Tony was frantic, his plans about to lie in ruins. He stared at the airline ticket in his hand, imagining the sun and the sand and…

Tony looked around quickly to make sure he had not been spotted with such a look of happy anticipation on his face. This case was gut-wrenching, involving sick children and with a newbie on the team who didn't know how to follow orders, Tony could see his planned interlude ending before it even began. When the case was finally solved, and Tony was in the elevator to head home and finish packing, Bishop was right there to ask him about his solo trip and how sad it was that he was going alone and blah, blah, blah. Well, that was what he wanted wasn't it? Sad, lonely Tony was gearing up for a Christmas romp: _All Ladies Beware! _Tony held up a piece of mistletoe and smiled that big, fake grin he had perfected through the years.

_He was tired of pretending_.

**January 2014**

Martinez was a perfect foil, in fact a bit _too_ perfect. She _was_ Tony DiNozzo, with curves and long wavy hair. If Tony had truly wanted to be involved with a carbon copy of himself he would never look beyond his mirror and his hand. Just as he could never see himself actually asking out say…_Borin_…since that would be the same as dating Gibbs, which really gave him the heebie-jeebies. No, she was convenient and she was there, and maybe Bishop would leave him alone. Making a casserole for McGee? That was a major faux pas that fortunately no one picked up on. Tony DiNozzo didn't cook and sadly there was a reason for the others to be so distraught that he wasn't called on his fib.

_He was tired of pretending._

**March 2014**

"_Baths are for kids. But men...men soak". _ Tony was proud of his Oscar-winning performance even if his words were fairly high up there on the creep scale. He had been more relaxed, and it had been noticed. He had a "friend, a friend with benefits" who helped him unwind with such things as baths and candles… Tony was just grateful that Gibbs wasn't present as he fully expected his reply would have been _"Go soak your head"_ or something of that ilk. Let them think he was using some young woman to ease the aches in his muscles, especially that large, beating one in the center of his chest.

_He was so tired of pretending._

**May 2014**

Being in Marseilles with Amanda was more difficult than he imagined. A simple assignment to bring home a spoiled Admiral's daughter turned into intrigue and danger and _oh how he wished she had been someone else._

Back in the office, Tony was glad to be where he belonged. Palmer had actually been helpful but needed Tony's help to decipher a message from Breena. No one noticed how easily Tony said the words "bun in oven", and that he had not cringed or made some remark about how awful the idea of offspring were.

_He was tired of pretending._

**September 2014**

Tony was the master at being selected for trips across the Atlantic, especially at the Government's expense. When Gibbs mentioned a trip to Russia to bring back Kevin the IT Nerd, Tony's heart thumped a second. Not in happy anticipation but in dread of having to leave his comfortable existence.

"I just had a trip to Spain." Tony decided that if he brought up the heretofore unknown trip that his overseas quotient will had been considered full for the year. He did just go to Marseille after all. Tim piped up with his recent trip to Dubai to see Delilah. Tony narrowed his eyes, aware of what the little McGoo was up to. _"Let's pretend we don't want to go; then one of us will surely be selected! Yay!"_

The problem with that scenario is that it could actually work, and Tony did _not_ want to go to Russia. So he pretended to pretend along with McGee. Fortunately, the "Probie No More" was so predictable that Tony felt bad playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with him and easily "lost" and McGee was off skipping after Gibbs. And much to his relief, no one commented on his trip to Spain or took him to interrogation for the gory details.

The news of the chopper crash was devastating and Tony stood up to take charge. But Vance had other ideas and butted in and basically took over. Tony sighed and once again pretended that he didn't mind being shoved aside and worked diligently to bring his team home. Tony did not need to pretend that he didn't mind going after the lost pair, and Gibbs and McGee were brought safely back to the U.S. He cringed when he learned that the death of Ari Haswari had been included in the list of grievances of this new threat, the previously unheard of Sergei Mishnev. For some reason, no one thought to bring up Ziva and worry about her safety as well since she had been the one to kill Ari, and not Gibbs. Mishnev seemed to be the only person on the planet that didn't know this bit of trivia. Maybe _he_ was pretending it was actually Gibbs. Tony was worried, but he had to pretend that he wasn't, because apparently it was a new rule of Gibbs that Ziva never existed. Or maybe he was just pretending that Ziva never existed.

_God help him, he was so tired of pretending._

**October 2014**

Tony DiNozzo always knows what is expected of him and when a beautiful woman shows up in the middle of their investigation, it goes without saying that the DiNozzo charm will be turned on full blast and flirting will get in the way of work, and someone will call him on it for better or for worse. Princess Leia was the last person he would ever hook up with, current reasons notwithstanding. I mean, _really_; who had never heard of Star Wars?

But he saw the knowing looks on his co-workers faces, the grins of anticipation and Tony really did like to please people, which is what usually got him into trouble in the first place. So he pretended to be interested in Pendergast and they all smiled and nodded at each other in relief. And she pretended to not know anything about the case and he had to call her on it, because he was a damn good Agent and didn't quarter _lies_. Which were not the same as _pretending_.

As soon as Tony heard the words, "Is that you, Spider" he knew he had an out. Former Philly Cop Zoe Keates was now in DC working for BATF, go figure that one out. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other since Tony abruptly left Philadelphia. Was it really almost sixteen years ago? My time flies when you are having fun. He had not given her a second thought until that cursed nickname came wafting on the breeze and his horrible eighteen months at that precinct slammed him in the chest.

Zoe hadn't actually been horrible to him, but since she had started two months prior to his arrival she was no longer at the bottom of the food chain and indulged in the hazing vomited out by the older but not necessarily smarter cops. She was good for a beer and liked to watch football, but nothing had ever happened between them. Tony seemed to recall that she'd had the touchy-feelies for one of the detectives…

And then it happened: Abby actually called him on his behavior. His pristine performance had come into question and she had seen beyond the idiot grins and vacant eyes. She kept pushing him and trying to make him say none of it was his fault, it was all hers and he should not want her anymore and besides they all loved him and she didn't and…_GOD! Just shut the hell up!_

She made him say her name…ZIVA. He gave her that and it was _so_ hard because just saying her name revealed the depths of his feelings for the woman and he was still trying to pretend that those feelings were no longer there. In his mind he failed miserably but Abby also sees what she wants to see and she wanted to see a Tony that agreed with her decision that he must move on from _her_. And so, he gave Zoe a second look and decided that she could be the cover he needed to sell _his_ cover and never in his life did he hate more what he was doing but he knew there was no other choice at the moment.

He fingered the necklace that he pretended he never received and pretended it didn't matter that he had to hide it, to hide _Ziva_, in a drawer.

_He was so damn tired of pretending._

**Thanksgiving and Christmas 2014**

"I hate couples." Tony offered up his opinion as he people-watched at Dulles International Airport, killing time while they waited to hear about this terrorist threat that was putting all of their travel plans on hold. He got a kick out of Jake but never in a million years would he have put him with Ellie Bishop, unless you take into account the nerd factor.

"You asked how we met." Ellie pouted, taking slight offense at Tony's off-hand remark. He backpedaled and assured her that he liked _them_, just not _other_ couples and then proceeded to do what he does best- he gave a performance designed to deflect further scrutiny _and_ would make him look like an insensitive and horny guy just hoping for a holiday bop. He put a further nail in his "I am so lonely coffin" by commenting on his vacation last Christmas and how it had been for couples only. As expected, Jack and Ellie frowned at his pronouncement, the furrow in her forehead so deep that Tony could swear he could see the wall behind her through her skull.

"You went to a couples retreat…_solo_?" Jake's incredulous question had just enough pity that Tony patted himself on the back for yet _another_ job well-done. Poor Tony was so distraught to be _sans Cheri_ that he couldn't even book a vacation properly. Yep, that Tony is a real moron, they all agreed. And Tony sighed in relief because as much as he usually hated the generalized opinions people seemed to have that he was a fool it often worked to his advantage. So Tony grinned at his own ineptitude and laughed with the others in mock self-loathing.

Bringing back Ajay Khan was worrisome for Tony. Certainly he would ask about Ziva, since she and Tony had tag-teamed to bring him down, and Tony had diligently rehearsed his expressions and comments when the inevitable questions would arise. Tony was nonplussed that Ajay didn't even seem to notice that Ziva was not in the room, much less complain about her accomplice in his currently being a resident of the US penal system. Tony wasn't sure if he should breathe a sigh of relief or wonder if someone had pulled him aside with the sage advice _"don't mention Ziva in front of Tony."_ That was laughable and if anything, it would have made the felon bring her up ad nauseum since he clearly did not know how to follow the rules, or abide by his promises.

So, another bullet dodged. And to add icing to the cake he casually mentioned he had been on a date when he was called in. Ellie quickly surmised that it had been at the shooting range since Tony was wearing his shoulder holster at the time of his not too subtle announcement. Tony just grinned and shot off his "guns". He knew Ellie would blab this juicy piece of gossip to Abby and sure enough an excited "How was your date?" came spewing forth from the Goth at the earliest convenience. Since it had been determined that it had been a "shooting date", it had to be with someone in law enforcement, right? It had to be Zoe, right? Tony never said and they just assumed. And Tony did nothing to disabuse them of their notions.

_He was so effing tired of pretending._

**January 2015**

Finally! Tony was able to watch someone else squirm as the ever-elusive Mrs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs Number Two was finally revealed in all her glory. And what a glorious sight Rebecca Chase was. Gibbs certainly had an eye for beautiful women; Tony had to give him that. And other than Diane, who no one in their right mind should be married to and for some reason showed up to this party as well, Tony figured that Gibbs had been the one to screw up his many marriages, Shannon of' course excluded.

Tony thought he would be on the sidelines with this one, but there were those knowing looks in his general direction. "Always trying to replace what he lost." "Couldn't have what he really wanted so he sought substitutes." The only problem Tony had with these veiled comments was that it would mean that one: they thought he had actually had Ziva in the first place, which had never been voiced or verified as far as he was concerned. And two: any future relationships he may have were doomed to fail in their eyes. He had hoped for a bit more trust from his co-workers that he could actually someday get it right, but then again, he needed them to believe that he was indeed a loser and a major idiot at love.

So in the end, Tony had again grinned foolishly and acknowledged the jibes good naturedly because his was a hopeless case.

_And again, he was so tired of pretending._

**March 2015**

When McGee announced that he and Delilah had called it quits, Tony felt an honest pang of sadness. Tim shrugged it off like it was no big deal, but Tony wondered if that was the truth. He overheard McGee tell Abby that Delilah just couldn't take the long-distance thing anymore and she was the one to end the romance. Abby had hugged her friend and then said something that really irked him: _"Don't do a Tony, McGee." _What in the hell was that supposed to mean? Don't wallow in self-pity? Tony would be the first to admit that he had pretty much done that upon his return that fateful fall of 2013. Don't lust after every woman within your sights? Don't go out with anyone else? As far as Abby or the others were concerned, Tony had returned to his womanizing ways but was now actually seeing one woman, a woman they believed to be Zoe Keates and Tony was not going to do anything to make them think otherwise.

Tony sat glumly in the bull pen, frankly upset at Abby's lack of insight into his personality. But then perhaps he only had himself to blame since he was responsible for the Tony DiNozzo they all thought they knew. He approached McGee and tried to give him a pep talk and act as supportive as he could. "If you really love her, McGee, don't give up. Go after what you want." Tony was proud of his sage advice and smiled in anticipation of Tim's grateful response. After a few moments of silence, Tim finally rolled his eyes heavenward. "Yeah, _right, _Tony. Like I'm going to follow advice you couldn't even follow yourself." Tony hid his hurt expression, allowing that he should be happy that his efforts over the past fourteen months had not been in vain. So he shrugged and said "Yeah, whatever McGee" and went back to his desk to think about the look in Tim's eyes as he talked about Delilah. It would appear that Tony had not been the only one pretending lately. For as much as he talked it up, Tim had not ever been in love with the young woman, he had been in love with the idea of being in love. It had all been pretense.

_And he wished, not for the first time that he could stop pretending, because he was really, really tired of it._

**May 2015**

"Why are you putting me back into your will? Are you sick or something?" The unexpected appearance of Anthony DiNozzo, Sr. was always met with mixed reviews, and this time was no exception. Finally married to Nancy and seemingly happy, this bit of news left Tony shaking. Both Gibbs and McGee had lost their fathers in the past twelve months and that was one club Tony was in no hurry to join.

"I'm fine, Junior." His Dad schmoozed and Tony wondered if he was pretending because he had learned it from the best. He had been disinherited while in his late teens, the reason forgotten other than he did something to piss his father off. Tony eyed him critically, looking for weight loss, or sunken eyes or whatever else he could think of that Dr. Gregory House would have picked up on immediately.

All he saw were rosy cheeks and a head of hair to die for. So Tony shook his Dad's hand and didn't think any more of it. Until his Dad mentioned the words "legacy" and "future generations". In a panic, Tony at first believed that his father was trying to tell him in a rather subtle way that he was getting a baby brother or sister. But Nancy was well over the age of child bearing, so he relaxed and chided himself for such ridiculous thoughts.

"When am I going to meet her?" Sr. suddenly asked. Tony looked blank at the question. _Meet who?_ Did he think Tony had a child or something that he kept hidden away? His face reddened slightly and a slight sheen of perspiration appeared above his brow. Sr. put his hand on his shoulder, trying without success to ease his son's obvious distress. "It's ok, son. Abby told me."

Ahhh….the light bulb goes off and Tony wonders how he is going to get out of this one. To add an exclamation point to the scene, Abby suddenly rushed out of the elevator and aimed her wild eyes at him.

"You made it all up? You lied to us about Zoe?" Abby was clutching her chest and looked so ready to faint that McGee and Bishop quickly went to her side to offer their support. "I just saw her at the coffee shop and I asked her how things were going with you two, and…and…" Abby sputtered and couldn't continue; her disappointment and sadness rendering her mute.

Tony looked at his co-workers with a mixture of relief and gut-wrenching apprehension. What he was about to say would either reward him with cheers and hugs or a knuckle sandwich. Tony was hoping for the former, but regardless of the outcome he knew it would be tactile.

It had all finally come to a head, his ruse had been discovered; his great charade unmasked. There had been many moments over the past few months that his subterfuge has almost been discovered, but Tony was nothing if not the Master of all things denied. He had been pretending to himself for _years_; pretending to the others was second nature and as easy as doing a James Bond impression.

But Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. made a serious tactical error in his grand plan of _"DiNozzo is Back, Baby!"_ By invoking the participation of another, he had set himself up for failure. Maybe that had been his plan all along; for he was, as sure as the day was long, _tired of pretending_.

He glanced over at Gibbs, who had remained at his desk during Abby's performance. He cocked his head slightly and gave Tony a look that said it loud and clear. _"Ya' think, DiNozzo?"_

And so Tony began his tale, stumbling over his words in the beginning but gaining confidence as his tale of pretending unfolded and was replaced, _finally_, with the blessed truth.

_He was done with pretending._

Later that night, as Tony sat on the side of his bed and took off his shoes, he called out softly. "They know." A slight gasp followed by a throaty chuckle could be heard coming from the bathroom. Tony felt the bed dip behind him and covered the arms that wrapped around him from behind with his own.

"I know how hard this has been for you, to pretend that I was not here. But I agree: it is time they know." Ziva leaned over to kiss her husband's cheek. Tony turned his head, allowing his mouth to catch hers and pulled them down into the softness of the bed. "How much do they know?" Ziva asked softly, as she intertwined her fingers with his.

"They know I'm an asshole." Tony deadpanned. "But once they got over their shock, they were all pretty excited. Well, except Bishop. I had to keep telling her that if you were going to take your job back you would have done it last January when you came back. I still don't think she believes me." Ziva snuggled into his side; her head nestled against his neck. She took his hand and placed it on her belly.

"Did you tell them everything?" Tony grinned sheepishly and leaned over to kiss their unborn child.

"They can only handle one shock per day, Ziva. Maybe I'll tell them later, when he's five or something." He looked up into the eyes of the woman he had crossed continents for, and despite all of the odds and all evidence to the contrary, he had succeeded in bringing her home: to him.

"I love you, Ziva DiNozzo." Tony stroked her hair and laid his head on her chest.

"And I love you, Tony."

_I can dream, can't I? Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave your thoughts. Happy Chanukah and Merry Christmas. _


End file.
